Chapter 8: Platter
Note: these are the parts that I struggled to write lol I’m happy but unsatisfied! From here, I lose the direction that I want to go with. Maybe i’ll revisit my notes but so far it’s full of “rewrite x,y,z” anyway I hope you enjoy
Jude had texted me to be ready by 1 PM, I didn’t suggest any date ideas but Jude was more than happy to plan for us. He texted me that it would be a surprise and was going out on a limb to see what I liked to do. In all honesty, I have never been on a date before. I’ve had boys ask me out before but they never felt quite right, they all felt like a waste of time.
I didn’t feel nervous. Jess tried to fill my brain up with advice but it only went out the other end. Something inside of me drove me to put myself together for Jude. I wanted nothing more than to be a pretty doll for him to look at. I kept my makeup at the bare minimum. My lashes fluttered and my cheeks were pink. I knew I was pretty enough to hold the gaze of men who passed by me on the street or boys in school. I kept them all at a distance.
I try not to obsess with the way I look but it was the only hobby I frequently did. If I wasn’t pretty I would probably kill myself and if I gave up, I would kill myself no doubt. Either way, grooming was essential for the way I live. Anxiety crept up on me, it crawled up my spine and sent my thoughts into a train of situations that weren’t happening. What if Jude changed his mind or if I wasn’t pretty enough? Everything I wrapped myself in would be something Jude would look at. His eyes would analyze me.
I put on a tight fitting lace cardigan with a tailored black dress. On my legs, I slid on sheer red tights that looked beautiful with black Mary Janes. I remember Jude looking at my choker last night and I collared myself with it again. My hair ran flat. I decorated it with a plain white headband while still allowing strands of hair to frame my face. I’m satisfied with the way I presented myself. I would have to let control go and for once, let a boy take me out on a date.
Jude picked me up and we drove into downtown, parking before walking over to a used bookstore. Jude and I both lived in the same city all our lives but spent it on opposite sides. He frequented downtown and barely enclosed himself in suburban life like I did, he expressed that he would move downtown if not for his little brother Caleb. We both danced back and forth with small conversation, receiving bite sized pieces of information about the other.
We approached a narrow street where the bookstore resided. The streets were drying up from the rainy weather but today was blessed with a springtime sun. The perfect weather for a date and walking alongside Jude was dreamlike. He slowed down his long strides for me. He had white sneakers on his feet, black jeans that fit him just right, and a black hoodie underneath a light windbreaker.
The book’s signage was tattered, I had never seen this part of downtown before- The girls and I usually orbited around the shopping center, any cafes that made it onto any influencer’s social media and nightclubs that drained everyone of their wallets. Jude was bright with excitement and was eager to show me new things.
He didn’t make me feel stupid that I have never been in this one specific bookstore, I prefer gathering books from online stores. I liked things that had never been touched, tainted or creased. The smell of used books made my nose wrinkle up and my fingers felt caked in dust. There was a shared excitement inside of me, Jude made me want new things. He was surprised that I preferred my new books but poets were always deeply pretentious.
We both buried ourselves in each bookshelf, it was quiet and we were whispering sweet giggles to one another. Jude admitted to me that he only took me here because he wanted to seem cool since I liked poetry. It baffled him that I didn’t care about used books and he confessed he didn’t either, he studied too much to read in his spare time. Words became words to him at some point and reading for fun was the last thing he wanted to do.
Pretending to be cool was fun, he told me he felt silly. Jude was a special kind of pure, he wanted to make sure I was having fun above him. Our brains were being fed with books that we would never read, we glanced over titles and occasionally picked books up to show each other the art. My stomach grumbled and reminded me that Jude had a restaurant picked out when we were through.
Jude and I walked by a religious section. Its shelving held books that were clearly fingered by their previous owners, it was clear that they were read thoroughly and well loved. He slid his fingers over the dusty tops of the books and withdrew a book about Catholic Churches and its architecture. He held the book for a moment in front of him, circling his finger around the cover. The book’s hardcover held a close up of the high and arched windows of a catholic cathedral. He traced the arch lightly.
“Are you religious?” I asked him delicately.
“My parents were. What about you?” He replied to me, still holding the book in his hands.
“Same. I’ve been baptized as a catholic but nothing ever calls me back to religion besides catholic guilt. I believe in God but only sometimes.” I told him.
“I grew up Catholic but I’m not anymore. I don’t believe in God and Catholicism made me feel rejected.” Jude whispered to me like he was in trouble.
“Why?” I asked.
“I asked too many questions.”
“Did you have a favorite question?”
“A favorite question? I actually did.”
“What was it?”
“Why does my flesh desire? Why should I be punished for having desires? I just got so tired of feeling punished for something I concluded was natural to a human being. Having flesh. No answer satisfied me.” Jude explained to me, it was painful hearing him speak, there was a sense of guilt underneath his words.
“Well, why shouldn’t our flesh desire? I think it’s nice. Most people don’t even act out their desires, they dream about it until it makes them sick, they probably pray that their desire comes true. Whatever you desire, I wouldn’t punish you for it.” I told him lightly, I wasn’t even sure what I was saying.
“It’s not about what I desire. It’s about what I did because of my desires.” Jude confesses and he slips the book he pulled out back into place.
I can tell the subject of God was touchy for him, the look on his face told me he said too much but nothing would ever be too much for me. His hands ran into the pockets of his jeans as if they were searching for safety. He looked like a naughty little boy that did something wrong at that moment.
“What did you do?” I ask.
“I can’t say but maybe I’ll tell you one day. I’m just saying that if I didn’t feel so punished for being human then maybe I would still be religious.” Jude’s voice was soft and he reached for my hand without looking.
Jude kissed my pinky with his index finger. He slipped his fingers into mine, capturing them in an embrace that was so subtle. No one was looking towards us and Jude didn’t have to look to find my hand, he searched it out and found it instinctively. He held my hand but it was different from the way he held his dog’s leash.
He didn’t grip me in the way he held the leash. I saw his knuckles burn red from the cold weather, his skin began to tighten and dry as he gripped Pippa’s leash. Jude’s hold on me was loose and unsure but his hand clasped around mine to keep me still. There was something so dominating about it that I could only offer up a sweet submission into following his lead.
His hand is bigger than mine and consumed me with a protectiveness that warmed me. Pressing palms with him and feeling his thumb brush over my skin sent me into a daze. He wasn’t even looking at me, his eyes were focused on navigating out of the bookstore. He took his time in his steps, careful to not lose me. His free hand still caressed any book title that he passed by.
There was something strange in his grasp that made me overanalyze and anxiety started to bawl up inside of my chest. He wanted to lead without even asking me, there was nothing wrong with him touching me but he didn’t ask me. He did it and I accepted it naturally. I was anxious because what else would I let him do to me without him asking first? I would let him devastate me all because I liked him.
Even something so simple as him holding my hand sent my mind into a fury of dramatic thinking. He looked so cool and I was glad he wasn’t looking back at me. I prayed that he didn’t look back at me because my face must have been so pink, flustered, and maybe my eyes were watery. I’m too virginal for hand holding and I felt embarrassment pool inside of my stomach. There was no calming the way my thoughts unraveled into a string of drama. He was cool and I was boiling from the inside out.
“Are you hungry, B? I already picked out a restaurant. We can walk to it.” He said as he pulled me towards the exit.
I could only nod my head in agreement as he looked back at me with a smile. We were holding hands and I grew comfortable in his hand. He seemed so natural and I was losing my cool. Jude led us on a short walk to a tiny restaurant that nested between a coffee shop and a store dedicated to essential oil. It looked out of place and the name of it sat in broad letters above the door, “The Blue Bell '', what a random name. I couldn’t tell what type of cuisine it would be but Jude opened the door for me.
In a short moment, a waiter with a forgettable face sat us down. The restaurant was sleepy, there was no fast movement of seating guests. The kitchen barely made sounds besides the occasional clutter of dishes. It was Jude and I at a table that faced the street window. There was an old man reading a newspaper in the back, he hacked up a wretched cough and sipped his coffee loudly. The old man’s impressive personal sounds were more charming than the jazz music that blasted in the background. The Blue Bell’s interior was equally still as the lack of restaurant patrons.
The walls were painted a baby blue that was far from a calm color, it came across as chalky and unpleasant to the eyes. It was like you could taste such a color and all its chemical filled paint. It was an eyesore to the wall decorations that consisted of bronze roosters, ivy plants and framed prints of paintings. The chairs we sat on were painted a chipping pastel green and the green echoed the tall, unidentifiable fake plants that were placed in the corners. The color palette of the whole place made my appetite run from me.
Jude commented that it was adorable but he whispered it to me in fear that the old man had owned the place. We ordered food and it came at a decent pace, my stomach reminded me it was hungry at the scent of a pleasant meal. Jude looked satisfied with his order. We joked about the fact we couldn’t decide what type of restaurant this was, whether it was American or French or Greek. Regardless, Jude picked this spot off of the few but sweet reviews it had.
Jude’s meal was a classic medium rare steak that was decently cut and thick. The scent of melted butter was light and garlic rested on his steak. On the side was a proportional pile of crispy potatoes, coated and loved with herbs and seasoning. I could see coarse grains of salt lick the top of his meal. The meal was accompanied with parmesan coated asparagus. It was a simple meal that was sure to be enjoyed by any guest.
I opted for a baked eggplant, the vegetable was split in half and its insides were roasted until the top was crispy against a fork. Garlic, olive oil, and sea salt topped the roasted dish. Underneath rested a bed of lemony jasmine rice. The meal looked light and simple. My stomach invited every scent, sight, and flavor. Despite the displeasing and confusing interior design, the sight of the dishes made your mouth watery enough to forget it.
Our conversation was light and saved room for us to fill our mouths with our meals. We filled the restaurant with our date, awkward laughing, mouths stuffed and mumbling. I brushed his shoe with mine and our fingers would occasionally fumble our cutlery. This date was adorable from an onlooker, we clearly were on a first date in the way we weren’t comfortable with eating in front of each other.
Jude and I both found ourselves apologizing for being messy eaters, despite the both of us making a clear effort to not eat like a slob. I wipe my mouth with a napkin, smiling into it as I watch Jude chew his food. I couldn’t help but cross my legs, the redness of my tights matched the red to the inside of his steak. It looked to not even be medium rare, but rare- Jude bit into it without even questioning or commenting on it.
Every time he looked down to cut through the meat, I watched intently. He would speak before bringing it up to his mouth. He made a piece of meat look helpless, it was such a gentle movement of slicing and bringing it up to his mouth to be eaten. He would smile at me as he chewed, he probably did it as a nervous reaction. He seemed embarrassed to chew food in front of me.
Watching someone else eat was an intimate thing for me. They were nourishing themselves but if someone made an active choice to eat with manners, they would be self conscious of being a messy eater. I think Jude was self conscious of me watching him eat, I noticed his leg moving up and down because the table would jitter slightly.
He would wipe his mouth and be so careful to not spill any juices or oils anywhere. Jude was far from an animal eating his meat, he was a gentleman in his mannerism and more importantly he cared way too much about how I viewed his table manners. It was like we were in a secret competition of who was less messy and it excited me, my shoe would kiss his shoe lightly again.
My thighs were becoming clammy as I crossed my legs. I wanted to take the knife out of his hands and drag it across every muscle of his. My thoughts of eating him weren’t putting up much of a fight as I continued to watch him bite and chew. My hungry fantasies were turning into something else as I watched him swallow and fill his own belly.
I imagined my own flesh as his meal and if he would treat me as politely and well-mannered as he did the steak. If he would take his time to enjoy every bite, making it last and buying more time with self conscious choices to be clean. He would then roll his tongue over the meaty texture; the texture of my own flesh would stimulate him and he would savor the earthly flavors.
I wondered if my flesh could be groomed to be tasted, seasoned and cooked so that I could satisfy his taste palette alone. He would be so afraid of my juices spilling everywhere that he would constantly wipe his mouth if he felt like he was being messy. He was a gentleman at the table.
It was in reverse, instead of me wanting to fill my mouth full of Jude- I wanted Jude’s mouth and stomach to never be lonely again. I want him to eat me. Maybe we could eat each other and be done with this frail wall of wanting to be proper for the other. We could both be messy and selfish, we could chew each other’s layers down until we discovered our most vulnerable desires. Jude was overly apologetic and sorry for nothing, I could show him that I wanted his mess.
Our plates were empty and the remains were stains of sauces and scrapes that you would have to lick clean.
“Have you had many girlfriends, Jude?” I asked him as I finished my last bite, he was so nervous with me but I was sure he had been on dates before.
“Yes but only three. I think two of them didn’t count because they were elementary level. I thought my last one would’ve lasted but that was so very highschool of me.” He replies as he leans back in his chair, satisfied with the meal.
“What happened?” I said wanting to know more.
“Nothing. Life happened. She moved away for school. It’s been a year since we broke up. I’ve been too busy with school for dating.” Jude shrugged at me.
“Can I tell you something? It’s probably obvious. It’s not a secret but it feels like a secret.” I lean toward him and he leans over the table to listen to me.
“Of course. I already keep one of your secrets.” He smiles at me.
“I’m a virgin.” I whisper, I almost mouth it at the way he was paying attention to me.
Jude moves his elbow to the table so he could rest his jaw into the palm of his hand. He was flushed and snickering.
“You can’t say that to just anyone. It makes them think about sex.” He tries to lower his voice to be polite.
“You aren’t just anyone. You’re the only boy who’s seen me in my bra.” I told him and I reached for a sip of my drink.
“You’re gonna make my crush more annoying to have. Like you can’t just tell boys that, I mean it. I’m gonna be up in my room all night.” He jokes with me.
We laugh together as we move away from the subject of my naive virginity. Jude seemed to flirt harder and heavier and I wanted to drag it out of him. I knew how innocent it was to disclose that I’ve never been with another man but I also knew how that it threaded dangerously close to the rabbit hole of sex. Jude knew to hold back all his flirting in order to not scare me off.
We wrapped up with paying and Jude asked me to stay a little longer, if we could just hang out at the park or do anything at all. I didn’t mind how long we spent together, I promise the girls I would tell them every detail of our date. This felt like a time that Jude and I created and decided on our own. We had no other ties but to each other and all we could do was enjoy it like a nice meal.
Jude and I settled on a public park, the sky was growing tired and it was becoming colder. He offered me his jacket and I had no reason to reject it, I was growing cold in my thin pretty clothes. He wrapped me up in his jacket, even smoothing the sleeves on me before pulling away. The park ran by the city’s river that split the bustling metropolis in half. Tiny batches of trees and forestry scattered among the park. People were participating in daily outdoor activities. We found a bench to nest on, watching people go by.
“Well, I’m glad we live next to each other. It‘ ll make it easier to go on more dates, if that’s what you want.” He confessed to me and he sat with his legs wide open on the bench with his hands in his pockets, it’s like he was keeping them away from me.
“I do. I want to get to know you more and more. So, let's ask each other random questions. What kind of animal would you be?” I ask, my body wasn’t close to him as we sat.
“Hmmm, I would be a manatee because they are so friendly and I’m secretly a softie.” Jude said before questioning me back, “What about you?”
“I would be a…”
“You would be a dog.” Jude interrupted me before I could answer.
I tensed up and I couldn’t even force out a nervous giggle. Something about him abruptly answering for me was shocking.
“Why would you say that? What if I’m a cat?” I talk back to him, standing up for myself.
I didn’t like the way he did that. He made me cross my legs out of fear. Jude was growing more comfortable with me and as he did he became more and more surprisingly unpredictable.
“Because I walked you down the street and you followed me like a stray puppy. Too good, easy to lead and…” He turned to face me.
“Sorry, was that too much?” He backtracked.
Maybe he felt me become nervous, I was such a virgin and I was beginning to become embarrassed of myself. Even pliable Ru was bolder and more daring than I and I thought I had the confidence. I was unafraid to embrace Clark or flirt with boys, but when it came to Jude. It was different based on the way I was careful with my actions, planning ahead for the next. He cornered me and I wanted to bite into him for frustrating me.
“It wasn’t too much. If I was a dog, I would bite you.” I tell him and he laughs at me.
I grabbed his hand, two of my hands clasped around his palm. Like Jude and his steak, I brought his finger to my lips, a hair away from pressing into them. He didn’t say anything except watch me with his mouth open, his eyes telling me “I dare you” and I wanted to drool all over myself. I was so close to finally caressing each of his precious fingers in my mouth, holding them until I decided to bite.
“See? You’re too much of a puppy...” He teased me and he must’ve felt how hot I became.
He prompted me to gently drag my teeth against his index finger and I swiped my tongue at the tip of it. The brief saltiness of him made me needier to suckle his entire finger. He teased me on my hesitation and I wanted to play his game. Jude looked surprised and I felt him pull away. He had let me play with his hand until he couldn’t take it anymore. I pushed him to his limit and I smiled as if I had won something. I could’ve bitten down on him and ruined our first date by making him scream.
I only thought about needing to take my time with him in private. I couldn’t be rash about eating Jude, I had to be careful with how much I allowed myself to engage with him. I was in control, I had to be and I proved to myself that I was. Every part of me felt so hungry for him and it made me very aware that Jude needed to be enjoyed alone, as a grand meal for a spoiled princess. I didn’t want to be a dog that was fed on the scrapes of his fingers, I wanted his guts and limbs and all. Every bite of Jude would be preciously devoured by me and I hoped that would come at its appointed hour.
“It doesn’t mean I don’t think of things like that.” I shrugged at him, and the thought of crunching his bones like a happy doggy made me giggle.
“Yeah, well. You’re torturing me but I’ll get you back.” Jude declared and I raised a brow to him.
“How will you do that?”
“Nah, you can’t know. Just know that I am plotting.”
“What?”
“You know, I’ll do the whole courting thing and I’ll win you over before you know it.”
Jude was bold especially when he smiled at me. It made me fearful and it made me want to give up. I wanted to roll up on my belly just for him. I wanted to eat and be eaten by him, it was a tussle of two opposing sides inside of me. There was laughter between us before he pulled out a cigarette, he apologized to me and said he was trying to quit. We sat in silence as he inhaled the stick for a moment.
The still image of him breathing in his cigarette made me want things that were heinous. I never smoked a cigarette. I wanted him to force me to smoke it or kiss him while he still tasted cigarette chemicals. My imagination was cruel, images of him shoving a cigarette in my mouth and forcing me to inhale scattered through my mind. It was so out of character of him to be such a bully.
I had no idea why I painted Jude as a selfish creature seeking gratification in the form of bullying me. My brain was finding it difficult to reply to him faster and I could tell his eyes had no mercy for me. They searched me out, so very observant that his eyes would dart when I crossed my legs a little harder. He even watched my lips, it was like he was seeking and noting down each of my movements. I couldn’t understand why he would do this but I secretly did because I was the same as him.
I was just as observant and detailed every notable movement from him. Even the way he said things. I had to echo and answer him, it felt like I was forced to. He was forcing every nervous movement from me and the worst of it was that he enjoyed it with every ease of his relaxed shoulders and sweet grin. I couldn’t tell if he was moving closer to me but God, I wanted to be so close to feel his heat.
My body wanted Jude to drag it into the secluded areas of the public park, out of reach from where families laughed and couples kissed. I needed my knees to scrape against the gravel until I found them being chewed up by a man-made forest floor, where the trees began to thicken and it was hard to peer in between them. Jude’s hand would press over my mouth, he would snuff any cry of protest or call for help as he did what he pleased to me. It was such a sick fantasy, every part of me wanted to subject Jude to every fantasy I had of him.
Jude began his questioning about my life and I would answer each one but I found it harder to concentrate. I began swallowing the fantasy of him raping me, as if there was a public execution and I was the one to be beheaded. I was choking on my daydreams as Jude’s mouth seemed to only move and I couldn’t hear his words. He looked so handsome, so dreamy, everything a young girl would want to tug at her heart strings.
“Also, circling back to our conversation at the restaurant. Does this mean you have never been kissed?” Jude stuck his words into me.
I’ve kissed Jessica at sleepovers, we would practice with each other's mouths on how to kiss since we were younger. When Jess and I got older, hungrier, more curious, we would kiss deeper. I think we must have kissed too deeply where it felt like we hit rock bottom and there was nothing else to explore.
“I’ve kissed.” I giggled at him and my sly rape fantasy dispelled because Jude looked angelic in his curiousity, as if he just saw a puppy roll over for the first time.
“I’d like to kiss you.” Jude asked.
“Right now?” I almost stuttered out and wanted to hold back on begging him to just take that kiss from me.
“Would you like that?” He asked, he was going to consume me, he was going to eat me with the way he talked like that.
“Haha, you’re hesitant. Don’t worry. I want to kiss you but in the way I hope it happens.” Jude intruded on me again before I could speak, I wasn’t even slightly annoyed.
I could only nod because Jude knew that I was more shy on the inside than I let out. He knew and he could exploit this side of me, slowly and achingly. He would lure the soft underside of my heart out, the parts where I craved loving kisses instead of the vicious biting into someone’s liver. He then did the most heinous thing, incredibly demented this boy was, he reached down with his hand and helped me up from our bench we nested in.
“I really, really want to do this more. I’ll take you home soon.” Jude reassured me, he felt safe, he felt warm and must have gutted my insides because the inside of me wanted him.